The Death Doulas: Suzanne (left), Pat (middle), Margy (right). Photo provided 

By Brittany North - Boreal Community Media - May 2, 2025

Grief can often feel extraordinarily isolating and lonely,  filled with overwhelming emotion. But thanks to the compassionate work of death doulas Pat, Suzanne, and Margy, Death and Grief Café in Grand Marais and Hovland offers a warm, confidential space where people of all ages and experiences can come together to share their journeys through loss.

What is the Death and Grief Café?

At its heart, Death and Grief Café is a safe, welcoming gathering where anyone can speak about their grief, no matter the type of loss they've endured — whether it's the death of a loved one, a beloved pet, or another profound transition.

"We're not therapists," Suzanne explains. "We’re simply here to hold a safe, confidential space for people to share."

Pat adds, "Too often, you don't realize how isolated you become. Coming together with others who share your feelings and thoughts can be a healing experience — people realize they're not alone."

How the Death and Grief Café Began

The Café began just before COVID-19 disrupted daily life. Pat, Suzanne, and Margy, all trained death doulas, recognized a deep need not just for supporting the dying, but also for helping those they leave behind.

A death doula, they explain, is much like a birth doula: someone who provides emotional, spiritual, and practical support. "Our job is to help people who are dying to articulate their wishes and help bridge communication between them and their loved ones," Pat says.

Suzanne shares, "We assist them in creating a legacy — a record of their life, their joys, their challenges, their values. We help them prepare what needs to be done and offer options for rituals, body care, and memorials that families may not even realize are possible."

A Calling Rooted in Personal Experience

Pat discovered her calling after helping her family through the deaths of her mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. "I realized I had a gift for helping not just the dying, but also those left behind," she says. "It brought healing not only to them but also to me."

Suzanne was drawn to death doula work the moment she saw it mentioned online. "I just knew — this is what I needed to do," she recalls. Margy, too, found her path through training and a shared passion for offering compassionate listening and presence.

Who Comes to the Death and Grief Café?

Death and Grief Café welcomes everyone. "All are welcome," Suzanne emphasizes. "There’s no required timeline for your grief, no certain kind of loss. Whether it's fresh or from years ago, your grief is valid here."

Pat shares a meaningful moment from a recent gathering where a participant compared grief to waves: "In the beginning, the waves are constant and overwhelming. But over time, they recede." Being so close to Gitchi Gami (Lake Superior), this analogy offered comfort to those facing the rawness of recent loss.

What a Gathering Looks Like

A typical gathering begins with centering, a moment of quiet reflection, followed by a poem or reading. A main candle is lit, and each participant is invited to light another candle in honor of the person (or experience) they are thinking of.

Storytelling is at the heart of the experience. Participants are encouraged to share their stories, listen respectfully, and hold space for one another. "One of the most important things is simply listening," Margy says. “That’s everything."

The gathering closes with hand-holding, a shared blessing, and — for those who wish — a hug.

"We don't try to fix anyone," Suzanne says. "We just be with them."

Above all, Pat, Suzanne, and Margy hope people leave knowing they are not alone. "Your experience is valid," they say. "You’re not crazy, and your feelings are shared by others."

Attending For The First Time

If you’re feeling nervous about attending for the first time, Margy offers this gentle advice: "Anchor your feet to the earth, breathe in and out, and feel how that feels."

Pat adds, "You’re always welcome. And usually, by the end, people feel lighter."

Suzanne sums it up best: "Yes, there's heavy, but there’s also so much light. It is an honor to share this space with each and every person who comes through our doors."

The Death and Grief Café in Grand Marais meets on the 4th Thursday of every month. The next event is May 22 at The Hub. 

The Death and Grief Café in Hovland meets on the 3rd Wednesday of every month at 1:30 p.m. at Trinity Lutheran Church.