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Cook County Connections: Why Leaving a Violent or Controlling Relationship, For Many, Does Not Seem Like a Choice

Oct 28, 2024 08:33AM ● By Content Editor
Molly Hicken. Photo provided

From Cook County, MN - October 25, 2024

By: Molly Hicken, Cook County Attorney


In October each year, the County Connections article discusses a topic with the goal of raising awareness about domestic violence and its impact on survivors, families, and communities. At the close of Domestic Violence Awareness Month this year, we’ll explore the reasons why "staying" in a violent relationship seems less like a choice, and more like the only option, for many who experience domestic violence (also known as “intimate partner violence”).

Too often, when the subject of violence between intimate partners comes up in conversation, the focus veers away from accountability for the perpetrator of the harm and turns instead towards judging the victim. "Why didn't they just leave?" or "Why can't she just break up with him?", the friends and neighbors of a survivor of domestic violence may ask. Statistics show that it takes the average victim of abuse about seven attempts to leave a relationship before they separate permanently from the perpetrator. The dynamics of a violent and controlling relationship, and the other ties that bind someone to their abuser, like children and finances, are often at the heart of a decision to stay.  

Do not make the mistake of concluding that the abuse must not be that bad if a person is staying with their partner. The underlying goal of the pattern of abusive behavior referred to as "intimate partner violence," is to gain or maintain power and control over the partner. The abusive behavior which accomplishes this objective involves not just violence, but any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure or wound someone. If the abusive partner is successful, their victim will feel they have no choice but to stay connected.

An abusive partner may use threats of violence against their significant other or children as a tool to keep them from leaving. The abused partner’s belief that the abuser will follow through with those threats creates a barrier to splitting up. The fear of violent retribution, should an abused person leave the relationship, is not unfounded. Commonly, the point at which an abused individual decides to leave can be the most dangerous time in the relationship. As the abuser sees their power diminishing, they use more drastic and dangerous methods to keep control.

Psychological abuse, including systematic attacks on a partner's self-esteem and name-calling, is another dynamic in an abusive relationship that can prevent a person from leaving a relationship in which they are being harmed. The victim is made to feel that they are not worthy of a healthy relationship and that no one else will love them; they grow to mistrust their own instincts and decision-making. This type of abuse makes a person a shell of who they used to be, and they are easily kept under the thumb of their abuser.

Abusers often use financial resources to strengthen the hold they have on their partner. If the abusive partner controls the finances, will not allow the survivor to work, or sabotages their efforts to get or keep a job, or if the abuser is the partner whose work provides health insurance; they can use this financial control to keep the relationship intact. An abuser can also convince their co-parent that, if they split, it is the abuser who will get custody of the children.

Family members and friends of someone suffering in an abusive or controlling relationship can have a hard time knowing how to help, especially when their loved one does not seem ready to leave. Experts offer three things to do:

  • First, offer loving support. One tactic an abuser uses to maintain control is to separate and isolate their partner from loving family or friends, so take advantage of the opportunities you do have to show unconditional support. Your efforts may pay off in the future because it is easier for a survivor to leave if they know they have a safe and loving environment to which they can escape.
  • Second, help your loved one know they are worthy of comfort and well-being by encouraging self-care. People who experience abuse often feel they're undeserving of love or care, but you can help to restore their sense of self by encouraging them to take care of themselves as an individual being of value.
  • Finally, work with your loved one to create a safety plan. A survivor can make a plan to create safer conditions at home or make preparations to leave. For help identifying resources that could help create safety or support efforts to leave the relationship, contact an advocacy group like the Violence Prevention Center (218-387-1262) or an online remote source like loveisrespect.org.

 

To learn more about how to recognize the dynamics of intimate partner violence, take advantage of the sources used for this article:

 

County Connections is a column on timely topics and service information from your Cook County government. Cook County – Supporting Community Through Quality Public Service.

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